Frustration leads to aggression.

Holy shit fuck.

These past two days have put me in the worst mood that I've been in for a while now.

I have so much shit on my hands right now. I know it's probably not really as much as it seems but I can't seem to cope at the moment. I feel like I've been thrown into the world head first... without a helmet. I thought I could handle everything by myself and I'd say I actually have been pretty good at managing shit in my life for a while. It's just one of those times when everything seems to pile on me at once and I'm having trouble dealing. Normally, my mom is amazing at making me feel like everything is ok when I have a breakdown but it's different now. She made me feel a little better at first and started helping me organize myself.. for like 10 minutes. Then she says "I'll be up after dancing with the stars". Okay, I'll get started tackling my homework. One hour passes.. I realize it's a 2 hour long show. Keeps going on my work. Then she says, I'll be up at the next commercial. Another hour and a half passes. She's not coming up. I have to wake up at 7:30 tomorrow. I'll just sleep it off and regroup in the morning. Did she forget? Probably. I'm so happy that she is in love and has a boyfriend and all, but I come home once or twice a week. I barely see her. He lives here, she sees him everyday of her life. I never ask her for anything anymore. No help or to do anything for me. The one time in a long time that I desperately need some support, she'd rather spend an hour cuddling than giving me ONE fucking hour of her time. She always complains that I'm never home and always out and misses me yet I've been home the last 2 nights and she hasn't even given me a half-hour of her time. She probably doesn't realize it. I don't blame her or anything. I don't think she knows my state of being right now. I guess I'm going to have to get used to the idea that when it comes down to it, I'm all I've got. People have told me that before but I never quite got it, or believed it rather.

I miss my friends. I feel friendless. I miss Vivian. I miss Gracie. I miss Julianne. I miss Sarah. I miss our dinner/themed parties. I miss classy 09. I miss sfs. I miss senior year. I want to go back. Thank god I see Miro tomorrow. I really need to see him. I haven't seen him since Saturday. Maybe thats why I've been feeling down. I love him so much. He makes everything right.

Oh and thank you coldplay, you've always been there for me too. You always make me happy<3

Promnomnom

Things for prom are coming together!
Just got my ticket today!
Ordered my dress (which I hope to god fits).
Going to drive to prom with my date, sarah :p
Which saves me about $50.
After party will be amazing!
I call the bartender position that night!
I love experimentin', and from what I hear, I believe we'll have plenty to experiment with :D

Anyways, I can't wait to get this shit started!
Come on May, hurry up, no one cares.
Hehe

I haven't written in a while.
So, HI.
Things have been pretty good.
Except for the fact that I got hit with the flu. NOT the swine flu, calm the fuck down.
Everyone can avoid that if you all just wash your hands a lot and cover your mouths. Keep your germs to yourself :)
Public service announcement. Hah
Well tonight was senior showcase and I must say, I am so proud of everyone. I have ridiculously talented friends. They're going places! Haha

One more month of school.
One more month until Prom. Graduation. Grad Night.

Most importantly, MY BIRTHDAY.
Who's excited?

Talk is cheap

Just because you say you care, doesn't mean you actually do..

Is it bad

that I've been thinking about you a lot lately?
I know that I shouldn't be but I can't help it.
I can't stop having these little visions of what things would be like if we didn't end up how we did.
I don't even want to say anything because how dumb would I look if you didn't feel at all the same?
I know I deserve better and you even said so yourself but I don't know there's something about you. I don't know I don't know.
Ugh, whatever, pushing this to the back of my mind like always.

Because public blogging is always safe right?

Things are good.
Really really good.
Me and Viv took 2.5 classes today at the gym.
We're hungry for mooooar!
I think we're going to get into shape in no time!
It's so nice and motivational to have a friend doing this with me.

Oh and I fucking hate my print class.
Fuck that.

Other than that, life's gooooood :)

mine

I feel completely comfortable.
With others, I feel slightly less so.
Don't try to turn my comfort into something else.
Don't try to make my comfort, yours.
It's not yours.
Sorry, you can't always be in your element.
I need to be in my element at least once a week.
Do you mind?

Space

has always interested me so much!
And animals.
I think I like science.
I'm a secret nerd.

No but really, I could spend hours thinking about space.
Who wants to stargaze with me?

It's MY life.

So I reeeeeally hate when people (mainly adults) talk to me about my future. It's not that I don't like talking about my future in general, it's just I always hear, "You better start figuring out what you want to do with your life." As if I'm on a path to nowhere. As if I have no sense of direction as to where I'm going in life. Don't tell me I better figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life fast before it's too late. No one really knows what they want to do with their life at 17 years young. Most people think they want to do something and work towards that degree or career and then somewhere along the way figure out they don't like that job as much as they thought they would. Then they say "Well you don't want to have to waste all that time and find out you don't want to continue down that path after all." Who says it's a waste? Every step is a new learning experience in life. I'm sure that if I do start to pursue a career that I don't end up liking, I will have learned many life lessons in between. Plus, what is life? It's time. The period of time from birth until death. So what's the rush? What am I running out of time with? Finding a career? Ok, once I find a career, then what? In this lifelong journey, you have to try to take as much out of it as you can and make your minute amount of time here, worth something. So go ahead, make some mistakes. Hit some dead ends. Try something new. Because all of those experiences will make you who you are. You just need to have some resiliancy. Once you hit a dead end, bounce back and get right back in there.

So when you tell me that I am running out of time to find out what I want to do with the remainder of my time here, I just laugh inside my head and think to myself how dumb you sound and how I bet you wish you took some different paths in your own life.

Nostalgia

You came to visit me again.
It's been a while.
Welcome back, old friend.

ew

I've been noticing that a lot of kids, like 13 year olds and whatnot, have been talking about sex and stuff like they're experienced.
First off, I highly doubt they know what they're talking about and if they do then thats disgusting.
Secondly, YOU'RE FUCKING 13! You have barely hit puberty.

what the feck is wrong with our youth nowadays?!
They are getting skankier every year.
Why dont you put down the condom and go read a book?
Get educated, because once your vaginas are all used up and your face begins to get wrinkles and your boobs begin to sag, you're going to wish you weren't such a dumbass, and actually tried in school.
We have enough STDs in the world, why not try to contribute something actually helpful, like the cures.
Or else there's no point in your existence.

I haven't ranted in forever! I forgot how much fun it was :D

Yes the economy is weak.
Yes we're in a recession.
Yes supposedly there is supposed to be another Great Depression.
Yes it is extremely difficult to get a job nowadays and more and more people are getting laid off every day.

But I got one! :D

Things are good.

sfs

I have a new favorite tradition.
I love life.
I love everyone in my life.
I love good simple fun!

Things are good.

I have been enjoying life so much!
I kind of don't want a job because my life has been so fun-filled and eventful!
But I know I need one.
Tonight was so nice.
The Butterfly Effect is an amazing movie!!
Even though I was the only one gasping the whole time :p
Anyways, I love everyone who is a part of my life right now.
They're all so special. New friends and old.
IloveitIloveitIloveit.

Goodnight:)

Happy

I am happy.
I am confident.
I am happily confident.
I am confidently happy.

Honest to god.

It feels nice.

Confidence?

Welcome back, old friend.
I feel pretty content with my life as of now.
I have noticed some recent changes in myself.
A different mindset, if you will.
I am so appreciative for everything I have right now.
And I have gone back to the happy, confident person I used to be a few years ago.
Why shouldn't I be?
I have a lot to offer and whoever doesn't realize that, it's their loss.
I haven't really been sweating the small stuff.
Like there have been some people that have been trying to bring me down and start shit.
But I am SO beyond over all of that.
I don't really mind because it's petty and stupid and I'd rather not waste my time working it all out.
The people I am talking about I probably won't even talk to anymore once I'm out of high school and they're still stuck there, where they belong...
Oh and I love taking a Moorpark class with my bestie Vivchi<3
Look, I made a (weird) panda already :D!+$ $0o0o0o0o Cy0o0o0o+!21!!!11!!1!0n3!!1oNe!

09

Happy New Years!
It's going to be a good one!